Parenting Tools: Description and Conceptual Linkages

Based upon our experience with families in The Hope Connection, collaboration with our colleagues, and study of the relevant literature, we have identified a set of eight core principles that we call the "Parenting Tools." We have trained a wide variety of target audiences in the application of these tools, including students, parents, and professionals (see Overview: Calendar). Here we provide a brief description of the Parenting Tools, a more complete presentation can be found in our manual (see Overview: Products).

The Parenting Tools are a set of strategies, skills, and scripts, which are founded on principles from developmental and clinical psychology. These concepts are drawn from constructs with established efficacy in both comparative and human research. They draw heavily on evolutionary and biological dynamics, which demand consideration in any bid to gain the attention and trust of a child with a history of early maltreatment. There are eight Parenting Tools, which break down into two broad categories: Connecting Principles, which include Observing, Matching, Initiatiing, and Interacting; and Correcting Principles, which include Structuring, Practicing, Regulating, and Empathizing/Accepting.

Connecting Principles

Observing represents a major construct in reaching children with histories of early neglect or maltreatment. While most adoptive children are actually safe in their new homes, many continue to engage in maladaptive strategies, which are fear and anxiety based. Fear-based reactions of children are often behaviorally masked as anger, willfulness, stubbornness, or defiance. Consequently, parents may initiate responses that further exacerbate aberrant, maladaptive behaviors. Observing teaches parents to identify underlying markers of fear through skillful observation of physiological responses such as pupil dilation, heart rate, depth of respiration, and muscle tension. Appropriately recognizing the underlying mechanisms may significantly enhance parental responsiveness and effectiveness. The parenting tool of observing has numerous connections with both the developmental and the clinical literature. For example, there is an extensive literature on the role of maternal sensitivity and responsivity in the development of healthy parent-child attachments and later child adjustment (e.g., Belsky & Fearon, 2002; Peck, 2003; Stams, Juffer & van Ijzendoorn, 2002), a research trend that extends back to the pioneering work of Mary Ainsworth and her colleagues (e.g., Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters & Walls, 1978).

Matching is a skill that emerges automatically in optimal conditions between healthy infants and responsive caregivers. When the infant coos in vocalization, the caregiver matches the response. When the caregiver strikes a facial pose, the infant mimics it. This can be called attunement, synchrony, or matching. Biological and neurological matching supports such behavioral matching as corresponding brain regions for vision, vocalization and motor movement are activated in both infant and caregiver. Due to histories of early maltreatment of neglect, this type of synchrony is often absent in adoptive children, however, through learning the skill of matching, adoptive parents are able to safely navigate a biological pathway of connection to their child. A related construct from the developmental and clinical literatures is that of attunement (e.g., Allen et al, 2003; Erskine, 1998; Sethre-Hofstad, Stansbury & Rice, 2002; Una, 2002).

Initiating teaches parents how to connect to their child through sensitive physical and verbal approach mechanisms. Because gaining trust is difficult with an emotionally damaged child, parents must be aware of their approach and the intensity of their voice, stance, physical movements, and eye contact. For example, awareness of the tenor of their voice can have significant impact on communication quality. Evolutionary triggers of alert/alarm/danger are activated by a shrill voice. Alternatively, flashbacks of abuse may be evoked by the use of an angry, harsh voice. By contrast, the simple use of a low, mellow voice may significantly enhance connection between the adoptive parent and child. The primacy of vocalization in social discourse is highlighted by its role in Stephen Porges’ polyvagal theory, which describes evolutionary advances in the mammalian nervous system that enable engagement or disengagement with the immediate social environment (Porges, 1998; 2001).

Interacting skills develop optimally and naturally between newborn infants and attentive caregivers. Mother-infant dyads frequently engage in playful bouts of interaction, which enhance the development of attachment, socialization and language. Emotionally damaged children often present formidable behavioral challenges to their new families. Parents, not infrequently, become at risk to abuse, as they engage in more-and-more punitive measures in futile attempts to control their child’s behavior. However, by learning to engage their child in playful interaction, these parents are often able to successfully navigate the complexities of their child’s history and to connect with them in more satisfying relationships. Playful interaction as a therapeutic tool for children has a tradition that extends back to the work of Harlow and his colleagues (e.g., Harlow, Harlow & Suomi, 1971), and is currently active in such approaches as Theraplay (Jernberg, 1979; Jernberg & Booth, 1998). And, of course, the importance of parent-child play is widely recognized in both the developmental and the comparative literatures (e.g., Power, 2000; Tamis-Lamonda, Uzgiris & Bornstein, 2002).

Correcting Principles

Structuring represents the creation of an appropriately predictable environment, which is cultivated through the balance of structure and nurture. Through structuring, parents learn how to provide and communicate a consistent, reliable set of values and rules, which will be firmly and consistently enforced. By employing principles such as Levels of Response, IDEAL Response and Escalating Discipline, parents learn to administer efficient, effective discipline which in turn creates for their child an environment which is reliable and safe. In addition, by learning to give their children choices, parents provide an avenue, which empowers the child to begin to practice making appropriate decisions, and also, creates for the child a sense of investment in their environment. Structuring is based on a key developmental principle of control and predictability in which a child has appropriate measures of control over, and a strong sense of predictability about, his environment. The tools contained in the structuring tool set are similar to those found in many discipline-based parent training programs (see Table 8, below). However, the TCU Parenting Tools are also relationship-based, and appear to be uniquely suited to relatively healthy families that have adopted special needs children. When compared to other relationship-based programs in Table 8, the Parenting Tools are more comprehensive in their content, and more efficient in their implementation, when coupled with the proposed training and support model.

Practicing is a major underlying principle of all parent-child interaction, and is encouraged whenever possible. Developmental and ethological literatures are replete with research, which documents the significant neurological, behavioral and cognitive advantages of active involvement with the environment. Parents are taught the powerful practice of “re-do’s” in which a child has the opportunity to correct a faulty interaction, repeat it in an appropriate manner, and receive praise and encouragement for their behavioral success. In contrast to lecturing, scolding and shaming, the “re-do” has the advantage of providing opportunities for success instead of failure and for providing parent-child interactions which are positive, encouraging, and practical. Conceptually, practicing has an important place in theories about the acquisition of skills and new behaviors (see, for example, several of the chapters in Anderson, 1981). Furthermore, “re-do’s” are conceptually linked to the principle of reafference (e.g., Caccioppo, Klein, Bernston & Hatfield, 1993; Frith, 1996), which places emphasis during learning episodes on active engagement by the organism, as well as feedback from the environment based upon that activity.

Regulating is among the most powerful and salient tools for adoptive parents. In normally developing parent-infant dyads, regulation by the parent offers not only a venue of practical care such as regulation of warmth and food intake, but also becomes the vehicle by which a developing child later learns to self-regulate emotions and behavior. Many children with histories of maltreatment or neglect lacked physical regulation by caring parents, and consequently fail to develop skills of physical and emotional self-regulation. Regulating teaches parents the salience of vigilant attention to the needs of their child for appropriate levels of safe sensory input, which can be achieved through a deep understanding of sensory systems and how they develop. In addition, activation of sensory systems in optimal development co-exists and co-emerges with attachment and language, which rely heavily on sensory activation. “How does your engine run” is among the tools developed by occupational therapists, which can be used by parents to teach a child awareness of their own needs, feelings, and emotions, and in turn, an awareness of how and when they need to self-regulate. Self-regulation is a fundamental aspect of child development and is linked conceptually with the notion of regulatory disorders in the clinical literature (e.g., Greenspan, 1992; Greenspan & Weider, 1993; Maughan & Cicchetti, 2002), and linked empirically with research on the development of emotion regulation (e.g., Eisenberg et al, 2001; Eisenberg et al, 2003)

Empathizing teaches parents to reflect their child’s feelings, emotions, and behaviors in an accepting, non-threatening manner. Scripts such as “showing respect” and “being gentle and kind”, become compassionate models for behavior as parents learn to both model and teach them. Various media are used for reflecting behaviors so that the child can accept at a deeper level, the impact of their behaviors. Accepting is the practice of teaching a child to make appropriate responses to parental requests and requirements. Through this principle, parents learn how to teach their child to ask for their needs, ask for compromises, and to practice “accepting no” at appropriate times. This skill includes practical scripts for gaining compliance without crushing the spirit of the child. It also presents information about when it is best to respond affirmatively to the child’s request, and when it is appropriate to challenge the child to accept “no” for an answer. This parental skill enhances parent-child interactions, as the child begins to believe their parents care about their needs. In turn, the skill enhances parent-child communication, as parents learn when and how to challenge their child to new growth through guiding them to positively accept the disappointment of not having their requests met. Theoretically, empathizing and accepting are linked to recent work on theory of mind (e.g., Wellman, 2002; Wellman, Cross & Watson, 2001) and empathy development (e.g., Zhou et al, 2002).

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